The internal struggle.

In the process of "finding my dream feet," I have spent many hours and days fighting from within.

Everyone wants to achieve something great and I believe that everyone was meant to. The problem is that awful darkness that sets in the moment you start to dream. Whatever you may believe the "darkness" is to you, doesn't really matter, except that it is real. I have had very inspiring moments that felt almost tangible, yet within no time at all the second guessing comes biting at my feet. I don't know how I let it happen but somehow I become the captor to my own prison. I find that I "tie" myself to things that actually have nothing to do with defining me. A photo of a model, the work of other artists, an Instagram feed, a FB post, a walk through a shop, an overheard conversation....all things that are seemingly mundane and innocent yet somehow find a way to make me question my abilities and worth. I know and you know that is ridiculous but "darkness" tends to work in subtleties. Particularly, some aspects of our lives feeding us with constant snippets of others so-called perfect lives when the reality is far from the image given. That is life. There is nothing that can change the ever chasing darkness from running after me except my allowance. Each time I listen to the voice of unreason I wrap that rope around a heavy planted tree where I pull and tie my dreams to their destruction. It  has become a matter of vigilance to "watch" for those would be "captors" and their "ropes." It is in learning to find the ability to release oneself from being bound to the ropes of self-defeat. Becoming the captain of your own destiny, releasing the ropes and casting them off.

"What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when you bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen."

 -Henry David Thoreau

Change....

Oh this blog post.

I'm not really sure where to start or maybe even why.

I've spent the last couple of years undergoing a change that has altered me on a number of levels.

I think any artist can say that those kinds of changes affect you and move you to create.

For such a long time now, I've had many dreams of work that I have wanted to make and for SO LONG have ignored.

I thought I was too silly, a dreamer, maybe too old, not thin enough, not creative enough, not rich enough, not talented enough...well you get the picture.

I wish I could say that I didn't still feel that way but I'm afraid that the changes I have experienced didn't quite stretch that far.

Only that they have moved me enough to have a little courage.

My dreams and feelings have spoken to me over and over in such a way that I feel that I cannot ignore them any more. 

Oh, it's just gotten personal....I guess that is why it is scary.

I've started with putting myself back in front of the camera.

It's hard to be in front of the camera when you constantly remember a former figure.
So much of what I want to do involves tender experiences and feelings so I feel that starting somewhere that is incredibly uncomfortable for me will be the conduit to the others pieces that will be more difficult for me to share.
I guess some of all of this sounds so cryptic.
Maybe it is.
I am normally a "plan" kind of girl.
I like to have specifics and details but I found that trying to be that way with this sort of thing was making me procrastinate.
So instead of waiting, I'm just going to start.
Which, to me, makes this seem so jumbled and slightly chaotic.
BUT it's a start and I think it's right.
So here I am.
Starting Here.